So let’s time travel back to the Fall of 2012. Instagram is just becoming a thing, Chevron is in full swing, and sideways crosses are around everyone’s neck. What a glorious time. In this season of my life, I was a high school senior, excited for the freedom of graduation and eager for life to kick me in the teeth. That’s when I met him. A friend of mine came back to town from college for an FSU football game and she took me to his tailgate. It didn’t lead to anything until she came back again for New Years. Being the fearless girl that I was, I Facebook messaged the boy from the tailgate. It’s been only a recent event marking the stop of the conversation that started that night. From a first date where we lost track of time and I got home way past curfew to beach trips and boat rides, all the way through learning who we really are. He’s been there. It has been over six years. About two and a half years ago the actual relationship ended. The talking hadn’t ended until recently.
It’s not easy to give up on someone who you loved for four years. It doesn’t happen quickly. It’s like the quote from Someone Great, (yes a Netflix movie made me cry)
“When something breaks if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don't break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, the shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I'll remember just how beautiful it was.”
It’s hard to look at it as beautiful at this point. I feel like I was a different person then, and so was he. Since the official breakup, we’ve been on a rollercoaster and I’m not proud of my actions. I justified my encouraging him to lie to his girlfriend for years by saying it was because I loved him. He’s been with her since about a week after the breakup. For the whole first year, we still hung out, often. She didn’t live here, but now she does. After a falling out where he realized his lying caused heartache. I realized that I’m supposed to make the person I love desire to be better. Now, it’s finished. I’ve never felt it so much as I do now. There is pain and anger and it doesn’t feel true or fair, but as my sister told me when we were growing up “life sucks, then you die”.
Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. I’m realizing that maybe I do deserve better. I deserve love and admiration. I deserve a strong man with a good will and work ethic. I deserve a Tyler and I won’t let him walk away like Hannah did. So I’m going to stop chasing after Jeds. In the words of Taylor Swift, “Saying goodbye is death from a thousand cuts.” As much as I want to agree with that, I’m still alive. Sometimes the stories that need to be told aren’t the most glamorous, but getting the words out of your mind is so freeing.
Miss Misplaces Things (most recently my love for him)
- Emily M